Frankie's Thoughts...

Today is Monday the 27th of February 2012 which is 1 day after the 4 year anniversary of my 1st born son’s death. His name was Elias Adin Pallitta. His name is a story all of it’s own. The spiritual meaning of Elias Adin is “promise to God”. To understand why I would choose such a name would mean that you understand my past. For many years I thought I knew who I was & for many years I was deceived into believing I was a good person. My past is something that my wife and I do not discuss and for the most part it is a good idea. On the surface it is easy for me to say I was an alcoholic and used as well as sold many drugs to many people. This portion of my story I will not indulge into but I will talk about the events that took me deep into the dark cave I found myself and the events thereafter. 

I met my wife Kele over the internet as I was trying to find more friends that were not apart of my past and that could offer me a healthy relationship as a friend. We were on Myspace at the time and she was a friend of some people I had just met at a new Church I was attending. After speaking for a bit she began to come visit me. It was necessary for her to visit me considering I was on house arrest for a year after spending some time in jail. Her visits brought me a great deal of happiness and I fell in love... we fell in love. Four months later we married each other and another 9 months we had our very first child together. As I previously mentioned I named him Elias Adin Pallitta (promise to God). You can see now that it was my intention to name him after my new life as I had promised to God every minute of every day that I would live my life for Him. 

I remember the day my son was born. It was very special to me and my life was moving along in a positive direction. The job I had was seasonal and the winter came. I was able to stay home and take care of him as Kele worked. I loved my time with him. I  would make videos of us being goofy and just hanging out. I often thought of the magnificent things he would do and how I would always be right by his side. I named him Chunkerbutt. He was a cute and lovable chunk of love and he had such a wonderful smile and giggle to match. I felt as if our connection grew stronger every day. I loved being home with him. I had never felt such a wonderful feeling in my life. We often made videos together playing around almost everyday and now that is something we are very grateful for.

Now at this point you all now what happens.               You must be thinking many things about myself.                 Here is the part I answer your questions.

In high school I had fell in love with someone. I spent around 4 years with this person and I was madly in love. In the end this girl left me and to my devastation I fell into a deep depression. I had already been drinking with my college friends and selling drugs. Now I had the tools I needed to take it further. I began drinking heavily all the time and drugging whenever possible. Being in that situation which I know some of you have or either know of someone you understand fully the things that can happen and what can become of someone. For years I locked myself up sobbing in my pain of sorrow. I hated life... I hated myself. It took roughly 3 years for me to feel relief from this person. I remember that day very well. I don’t know what it was but for some reason I had realized I had not thought of this person for awhile and it was realizing that that had made me feel alive. As if spring had just rushed in and taken over with the warmth of the sun on my face. 

Soon after I had reached out to find a permanent solution and for me that solution was God. I had the same feeling as I did the day I felt alive again. God had taken away all of life's weight off my shoulders. That day I also wept like a baby and I did not want it to stop. I had taken another step in the right direction to get my life back on track, to get my life back.

I hope that part of my story helps to signify the reason for why I named my son “My Promise to God”. Knowing that God had given his only son as a promise to us I thought it was fitting to promise my son back to God. I suppose you can imagine my thoughts once my son had passed away only 7 months after he was born. 

My previous story has another meaning to it or at least another reason for telling it. It was that depression that I had gone through that made me into the man I am today. without it I would have failed my wife and my new son Karter. Without the lessons that God taught me I would have destroyed my life permanently without failure as I had in the past. I am eternally grateful for everything God has done in my life. I suppose I am a person that believes everything happens for a reason. Does that mean that my son who I promised my life through to God was taken from me for a reason... was he mine to be taken from?

I love my son Elias. I spent an incredible 7 months with him with nothing but laughter. He is no longer in my arms. He is no longer laughing at me as I make goofy gestures. I know he is somewhere and I know he is there for a reason. I remember my last moments of him in my arms at the hospital. It all happened so fast but time stood still for me one last time as I held him gracefully in my arms just after he was gone. I won’t lie, he was cold, limp, lifeless, breathless but none-the less he was there and he was all mine. I ran my fingers around his pudgy face and stared into him as long as I could. I did not care of the other things. He was alive to me and I was going to say good bye with a smile on my face and hug like he had never had before. That is exactly what his death is to us... a celebration.  Again, I love you chunkerbutt. I am always here for you but I know that you are here for me just as much.