When Tidus was this age I was very nervous, looking at photos to see if his head looked any bigger than the month before. Yes, I look at that stuff now because after Elias passed I would look back at pictures and notice a slight difference in the weeks before he passed away. I always joked that Tidus was too crazy to have anything wrong with him, but now Francesca is so good I worry that something is wrong. I think it's normal to worry and study the things her and Elias have in common. From their eyes, to how she bites her bottom lip. I have one of our last photos of Elias and he's biting his lip and I've always wondered if he was doing that because of the pressure in his head or if he was teething, so of course my mind starts going when I see Francesca doing it. I think it's one of those normal thoughts, could it ever happen again? I'm sure it could, yes it was a fluke thing, one in a million chance, but it happens. I guess this is something you think about before you decide to have more kids. To us it was very easy to decide. Our thought process was this. Were we ok to go through this again? Would we take that chance? Well here's how we came up with the answer. If we knew Elias was going to die from a brain tumor at 7 months old would we of wanted to have him? Of course we would have, so why would that stop us from having more kids. I would rather have any babies for only 7 months than not have them at all.
Well, today is the day that Francesca is the exact same age as Elias was when he passed away. I feel like it's a lot sadder with her than Tidus because this is our last baby. From now on we won't be able to look at pictures and say, oh thats the same age as Elias was. Don't get me wrong I still look at photos of Elias and see Tidus in him, even now. Just the other day Tidus was looking at photos of Elias right before he passed away and said, "oh baby Tidus." That always makes me smile. I love that he can see himself in Elias, and hope Francesca will be able to do the same.
It's a bittersweet day. I can't imagine my life any other way. That doesn't mean I'm glad Elias passed away, it's just I'm happy with my life and what God has given me. It's a hard thing to deal with sometimes, being happy. I think a lot of people struggle with this, but I will continue to see Elias through our three wonderful kids. Living after a loss is really hard, but it doesn't mean you can't have a happy ending.
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