Ok, now you might think I'm being hypocritical here by what I'm about to write. I'm not writing this to get people mad, I am just being honest about how my feelings are after a loss of a child. I'm not saying that my feelings are right, but this is just how it is for me.
I was never a very open person emotionally. I've always been very sarcastic and blunt, so you would think after losing Elias I would be more apathetic to others. It's actually the complete opposite. There are times I feel very cold hearted. This is a very hard thing to admit because I'm not proud of it but I think it's what a lot of people struggle with after losing a loved one. I want to share my story so other people can see that what they are feeling is normal, plus it might help family and friend understand us too.
You might be reading this and think I'm not this way at all, because you've seen me be emotionally there for you and be very caring toward what is going on in your life that is heartbreaking. Yes, that is so true. I have a few friends that have gone through very tragic, scary things in the last 3 years, and did not blink an eye to be there. I even sucked it up and went back to the exact hospital on the exact floor that Elias passed away on to be there for a friend. My heart breaks every time I know a friend is feeling what I had to feel. It's a deep gut wrenching feeling that makes you want to puke and I get the feeling back every time it happens to someone I know.(that's a whole other post) so when I talk about being cold hearted a lot comes from... Yep you guessed it Facebook. Don't get me wrong I love having Facebook to keep in contact with friends and family and see all the great things happening in their lives, but with that you also get every thing that is bad going on in their lives. (so all my Facebook friends do not be offended I'm just using this as an example that people can relate to) I have a hard time being sympathetic to people who think the world is over because their sport team lost or they feel like crap because they drank too much the night before. Now those are probably normal things every one gets annoyed with but I have a really hard time when people treat their pets like kids and when they are sick or pass away they can't function in life. I look at it as it's a animal get another one. I know it's cruel but once again that's how I feel. Now for getting off the whole Facebook think I will turn my attention the the wonderful television. Watching the news is another issue. Seeing all day coverage on a 90 year old famous person that passed away acting as if it was this tragic unexpected loss. Yes it's someone's loved one and it's sad but come on they lived a great life why don't you cover a child that passed away or a soldier that died serving our country(see now here comes my cold hearted rants) I don't care which celebrity O.D or how a 80 year old government official has a brain tumor and only has a year to live. I hope I didn't offend anyone by this, but I think a lot of people need to take a step back and look on how blessed they really are instead of complaining about every little thing that they don't like or that didn't go as expected. (I still do those things so I know it's a hard habit to break.) Its not that I don't care about other people's feelings even though it sounds like it, I just find it not so bad after losing a baby and unfortunately I feel it's like that for a lot of people living after a loss.
God Bless
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
The dreaded question: How many kids do you have??
Oh how I hate this question; How many kids do you have?
I actually answer this question two ways but it can go in many different directions. Most of the time I say 4. And leave it at that, but sometimes it's not that cut and dry. They want to know how old, their names and if "4" of them aren't with me, where they are. Now this is where it gets awkward. I don't think there is a right way to do this, even after the last 3 1/2 years I haven't found what works best. I have a hard time just telling people I have 3 kids because I don't, and I only usually tell people 3 if it's in passing and I know I will never see them again.
So this is how I go about telling people about my 4 kids. I start with the baby and go up, or I say we have 3 older boys and a 6 month old girl or i just say they range from 11 to 6 months. Now it is a lot different with karter's friends parents or sport team families. I just jump into it full steam ahead. I just say we lost our 2nd son to a brain tumor and I get the dropping of the jaw. I always feel really bad for just unloading the news on people because they either start crying or it just becomes very uncomfortable. No one expects to hear that no matter what the situation is.
I guess my advise would be if you don't want to explain it to random strangers don't, you probably will never see them again. Now if you plan on having a relationship with them or your kids will you might as well get it out there and let them know from the beginning. It seems to work best for us even though sometimes I feel like I depress everyone on the initial explanation. Please do what's comfortable for you, I don't mind talking about it so it's a lot more awkward for them than me, but hey I'm the one living after a loss.
God Bless.
I actually answer this question two ways but it can go in many different directions. Most of the time I say 4. And leave it at that, but sometimes it's not that cut and dry. They want to know how old, their names and if "4" of them aren't with me, where they are. Now this is where it gets awkward. I don't think there is a right way to do this, even after the last 3 1/2 years I haven't found what works best. I have a hard time just telling people I have 3 kids because I don't, and I only usually tell people 3 if it's in passing and I know I will never see them again.
So this is how I go about telling people about my 4 kids. I start with the baby and go up, or I say we have 3 older boys and a 6 month old girl or i just say they range from 11 to 6 months. Now it is a lot different with karter's friends parents or sport team families. I just jump into it full steam ahead. I just say we lost our 2nd son to a brain tumor and I get the dropping of the jaw. I always feel really bad for just unloading the news on people because they either start crying or it just becomes very uncomfortable. No one expects to hear that no matter what the situation is.
I guess my advise would be if you don't want to explain it to random strangers don't, you probably will never see them again. Now if you plan on having a relationship with them or your kids will you might as well get it out there and let them know from the beginning. It seems to work best for us even though sometimes I feel like I depress everyone on the initial explanation. Please do what's comfortable for you, I don't mind talking about it so it's a lot more awkward for them than me, but hey I'm the one living after a loss.
God Bless.
The helpful things...
Like I said before I think going to a funeral or a showing is one of the hardest things to do. No one ever teaches you about what you should say or do when someone close to you loses a loved one. I know I already filled you in on some of the crazy and annoying things that happened to us so it's only fair to share the helpful things too. Let me start by saying if it wasn't for my wonderful family and friends being there for us it would have been an even rougher 3 1/2 years and not one day goes by where I don't appreciate everyone that was there for us. I will go down the list of things that I thought was helpful to me and my family during this time and also share some advise for those who don't know what to say to their friends who have gone through a loss.
Company: Now the morning after Elias passed away a couple of friends from work wanted to come see me. My mom got the phone call because I was still sleeping and she told them she didn't think I would be up for it, but when I got up I said sure why not maybe it would help get my mind off of it. So about an hour later there came my work girls and let me tell you I am so thankful they did. They sat with me while Frankie and my mom went and picked out flowers and did random stuff to get ready for the funeral. They got me through that day in one piece. We didn't sit around talking about what happened, they were just there. I don't even really remember what we talked about but I remember crying and laughing with them. This is where I always say no matter if you don't know what to say, go see your friend and just sit there. If they want to talk about it let them bring it up but if not just keep them company.
Making food: I can't tell you enough how nice it was when friends and family show up with food even though I wasn't hungry it was one less thing to have to worry about doing. I can honestly say I didn't cook for a good month or two after he passed. One of those I just didn't feel like doing. Not only was it nice afterwards but while we were at the funeral home many of my friends made tons of food to share.
Cards: no matter what, send a card. It is the easiest thing you can do especially if you have no idea what to say. It was so nice getting cards days and even weeks after. You don't even have to write anything in it, just sign your name. Just knowing someone is thinking of you is all you need. I was very shocked by some "friends" that didn't even acknowledge the fact that I lost a baby, and guess what I wrote them off completely. Like I said before it's hard to know what to say or do, I understand that so I hope I'm not coming off harsh but just send a card.
Coming to the showing/funeral: I will be the first to admit I don't remember much from the days of the showing and funeral, but I do remember seeing a couple people that I would have never in a million years thought would have been there. It's one of those weird things I guess where you have some disappointment when you thought certain people would come and they don't, but I knew many people wouldn't be able to make it in on such short notice. I remember more than anything my friend Karly coming to the showing on her way up to Chicago. Now a little back story is, we weren't the greatest friends before all of this, (high school stuff...lol love you Karly) but unfortunately she lost her son Sam a few years prior so she knew exactly how I was feeling. Now a lot of people would have never came to a showing to someone that they were not friends with, but she did and now has a very special place in my heart. I would also like to take this opportunity to thank everyone that came and supported us for those two days. It meant the world to us.
Being normal: This might sound stupid, but it was so nice when people acted normal around us. We actually had a guitar hero party planned before the baby passed away and it was scheduled for the 2weeks after the fact. I am so thankful we decided to go a head with it and for our friends to make it an enjoyable experience. It's never fun going somewhere and getting "the looks" like, is she going to lose it at anytime.
So, I guess if I would give one piece of advise is don't feel like you have to say anything. Just be there, no one expects you to give this huge speech about getting through this or that everything will be ok, because it's not ok it's just living after a loss.
God Bless
Company: Now the morning after Elias passed away a couple of friends from work wanted to come see me. My mom got the phone call because I was still sleeping and she told them she didn't think I would be up for it, but when I got up I said sure why not maybe it would help get my mind off of it. So about an hour later there came my work girls and let me tell you I am so thankful they did. They sat with me while Frankie and my mom went and picked out flowers and did random stuff to get ready for the funeral. They got me through that day in one piece. We didn't sit around talking about what happened, they were just there. I don't even really remember what we talked about but I remember crying and laughing with them. This is where I always say no matter if you don't know what to say, go see your friend and just sit there. If they want to talk about it let them bring it up but if not just keep them company.
Making food: I can't tell you enough how nice it was when friends and family show up with food even though I wasn't hungry it was one less thing to have to worry about doing. I can honestly say I didn't cook for a good month or two after he passed. One of those I just didn't feel like doing. Not only was it nice afterwards but while we were at the funeral home many of my friends made tons of food to share.
Cards: no matter what, send a card. It is the easiest thing you can do especially if you have no idea what to say. It was so nice getting cards days and even weeks after. You don't even have to write anything in it, just sign your name. Just knowing someone is thinking of you is all you need. I was very shocked by some "friends" that didn't even acknowledge the fact that I lost a baby, and guess what I wrote them off completely. Like I said before it's hard to know what to say or do, I understand that so I hope I'm not coming off harsh but just send a card.
Coming to the showing/funeral: I will be the first to admit I don't remember much from the days of the showing and funeral, but I do remember seeing a couple people that I would have never in a million years thought would have been there. It's one of those weird things I guess where you have some disappointment when you thought certain people would come and they don't, but I knew many people wouldn't be able to make it in on such short notice. I remember more than anything my friend Karly coming to the showing on her way up to Chicago. Now a little back story is, we weren't the greatest friends before all of this, (high school stuff...lol love you Karly) but unfortunately she lost her son Sam a few years prior so she knew exactly how I was feeling. Now a lot of people would have never came to a showing to someone that they were not friends with, but she did and now has a very special place in my heart. I would also like to take this opportunity to thank everyone that came and supported us for those two days. It meant the world to us.
Being normal: This might sound stupid, but it was so nice when people acted normal around us. We actually had a guitar hero party planned before the baby passed away and it was scheduled for the 2weeks after the fact. I am so thankful we decided to go a head with it and for our friends to make it an enjoyable experience. It's never fun going somewhere and getting "the looks" like, is she going to lose it at anytime.
So, I guess if I would give one piece of advise is don't feel like you have to say anything. Just be there, no one expects you to give this huge speech about getting through this or that everything will be ok, because it's not ok it's just living after a loss.
God Bless
Monday, September 26, 2011
More kids
I know many people thought I was crazy for having another baby so soon, and I can't say I blame them. This is one of those things where you don't know how you will react till it happens to you. I was one of those people that thought I would never want anymore children if I had a child pass away. I thought how could I, all I would do is worry about everything. How could I deal with the emotions again how could I put myself through that heart break of having another baby and have something possibly happen again. Well that's what's funny about God, he knows you better than you know yourself, since we were expecting before we could blink. Yep you heard me we were due that December. Now, I know what you are probably thinking and I'm sure people around us were thinking it too,"why would they want another baby? Are they trying to replace him?"
My mom said it best when she said,"I would be worried about you if you didn't want anymore" now she probably regrets that since we kept having them. Lol
To those of you who lost a child and are struggling with whether to have more children, it's definitely different for everyone. For us I think it helped our healing process. Not as a replacement but as a focus point. I think it would have been a lot different if it wasn't for having Tidus so soon. He was born before the year hit of Elias passing. I think it was also easier to get back to our daily lives because we had no choice, we had an older son.
I do remember while pregnant with Tidus thinking please God let them look alike but give them something distinctly different about them. God heard me that's for sure Tidus came out with a head full of brown hair that looked like a wig. Then came us having another baby march of 2011. At this point we were just getting used to the idea of having all boys and God once again throws us for a loop and we had a beautiful baby girl Francesca rose on 3/10/11. Once again she comes out with a head full of hair but she looks so much like Elias it melts my heart every time I look in her eyes.
The biggest bittersweet moment of my life was holding Tidus after he was born, because the only reason I got pregnant with Tidus is because I quit nursing when Elias passed away. It's a hard thing to deal with knowing you have one baby because you lost another, and not being able to imagine your life any other way. Its a indescribable feeling to wrap your head around, but it's ok to be happy. It's not taking anything thing away from your child you lost. I still miss and love Elias more than you can imagine but I refuse to let that stop me from living after losing him. I'm not replacing him. There is no way to replace Elias, I think he smiles down from heaven everyday seeing his 2 brothers and his beautiful sister and thinks I give great gifts. ;)
God Bless
My mom said it best when she said,"I would be worried about you if you didn't want anymore" now she probably regrets that since we kept having them. Lol
To those of you who lost a child and are struggling with whether to have more children, it's definitely different for everyone. For us I think it helped our healing process. Not as a replacement but as a focus point. I think it would have been a lot different if it wasn't for having Tidus so soon. He was born before the year hit of Elias passing. I think it was also easier to get back to our daily lives because we had no choice, we had an older son.
I do remember while pregnant with Tidus thinking please God let them look alike but give them something distinctly different about them. God heard me that's for sure Tidus came out with a head full of brown hair that looked like a wig. Then came us having another baby march of 2011. At this point we were just getting used to the idea of having all boys and God once again throws us for a loop and we had a beautiful baby girl Francesca rose on 3/10/11. Once again she comes out with a head full of hair but she looks so much like Elias it melts my heart every time I look in her eyes.
The biggest bittersweet moment of my life was holding Tidus after he was born, because the only reason I got pregnant with Tidus is because I quit nursing when Elias passed away. It's a hard thing to deal with knowing you have one baby because you lost another, and not being able to imagine your life any other way. Its a indescribable feeling to wrap your head around, but it's ok to be happy. It's not taking anything thing away from your child you lost. I still miss and love Elias more than you can imagine but I refuse to let that stop me from living after losing him. I'm not replacing him. There is no way to replace Elias, I think he smiles down from heaven everyday seeing his 2 brothers and his beautiful sister and thinks I give great gifts. ;)
God Bless
The What If, just stay away from that!!
The worst thing you can do is sit and think about the "what if's". Don't get me wrong I have done this many times, but everytime I let myself go to that place I catch myself and ask myself one question. Do I really think I could have changed Gods will?? The answer is simple, of course not. Who do I think I am?
It took me a while to get to this point it definitely didn't happen over night. I had my angry, "what if" they didn't do the spinal tap or "what if" they would have removed the tumor that night instead of just releasing the pressure. You could go crazy with thinking about all the difference scenarios. Like they always say everything happens for a reason and God is always good. Yes, it can be so annoying hearing that from people that have no clue what you are going through, but just remember if any of those "what if's" would have happened your life could have ended up completely different. Who are we to say we know better than God does.
I have a favorite quote that I actually just found that really hit home.
“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be”
C.S Lewis
God bless
It took me a while to get to this point it definitely didn't happen over night. I had my angry, "what if" they didn't do the spinal tap or "what if" they would have removed the tumor that night instead of just releasing the pressure. You could go crazy with thinking about all the difference scenarios. Like they always say everything happens for a reason and God is always good. Yes, it can be so annoying hearing that from people that have no clue what you are going through, but just remember if any of those "what if's" would have happened your life could have ended up completely different. Who are we to say we know better than God does.
I have a favorite quote that I actually just found that really hit home.
“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be”
C.S Lewis
God bless
Sunday, September 25, 2011
The funeral: it is ok to be annoyed!
Let me just start by saying we were and still are so thankful for everyone that came to the funeral and/or sent cards and gifts. It's probably one of the most uncomfortable and heart breaking things to be a visitor at a funeral or showing. That being said it is still natural to be annoyed by people who are clueless on how to act in this setting, so do not feel guilty about these overwhelming emotions. Unfortunately there isnt a funeral edicit class. I always thought it would be a great idea to make a book about this. Things that should not be done or said to someone after a loss or while someone is very sick. Please feel free to add down in the comments some of your experiences. Don't worry you are not alone. Let the top 10 begin!
#1- please do not think you are putting anything in my sons casket without my permission.
#2- It might be a good idea to see us before going back to the food that's for the family. It's not a party!
#3- don't bring your kids (unless it's family) to a child's funeral.
#4- don't ask me how I am doing! It's a funeral (I told my grandma the night after having the showing all day, "if one more person asks me how I'm doing I'm going to punch them" she then gives me a hug and asked, "how are you doing?" with a smile on her face.
#5- When sending grieving books, do not send ones about miscarriages. (I will say this again, very thankful for those who thought of us enough to send us a gift. So don't get me wrong, but the last thing I wanted to read about is someone losing a baby at 8 weeks pregnant. I am not saying it's not a huge loss for someone but just different.)
#6- don't hug someone very tight who is drying up from nursing. (Oh it hurt so much!!!)
#7- people need to shower before attending a showing! (it gets crowded, just saying)
#8- do not comment on how you wouldn't be able to get out of bed if that was you!
#9- please don't tell me after seeing we had a open casket how I should have cremated him and turned him into a diamond.
#10- please oh please don't ask this to anyone else ever again, "are you going to stay together still?"
Like I said before I don't want my blog to be sad, because I wouldn't want my life any other way. Sometimes you have to laugh about crazy things that happened even though at the time I was so mad and annoyed by them. All of your feelings are natural so never listen to anyone that is telling you that you are doing it wrong. There is no wrong, it's called living after a loss.
God Bless
#1- please do not think you are putting anything in my sons casket without my permission.
#2- It might be a good idea to see us before going back to the food that's for the family. It's not a party!
#3- don't bring your kids (unless it's family) to a child's funeral.
#4- don't ask me how I am doing! It's a funeral (I told my grandma the night after having the showing all day, "if one more person asks me how I'm doing I'm going to punch them" she then gives me a hug and asked, "how are you doing?" with a smile on her face.
#5- When sending grieving books, do not send ones about miscarriages. (I will say this again, very thankful for those who thought of us enough to send us a gift. So don't get me wrong, but the last thing I wanted to read about is someone losing a baby at 8 weeks pregnant. I am not saying it's not a huge loss for someone but just different.)
#6- don't hug someone very tight who is drying up from nursing. (Oh it hurt so much!!!)
#7- people need to shower before attending a showing! (it gets crowded, just saying)
#8- do not comment on how you wouldn't be able to get out of bed if that was you!
#9- please don't tell me after seeing we had a open casket how I should have cremated him and turned him into a diamond.
#10- please oh please don't ask this to anyone else ever again, "are you going to stay together still?"
Like I said before I don't want my blog to be sad, because I wouldn't want my life any other way. Sometimes you have to laugh about crazy things that happened even though at the time I was so mad and annoyed by them. All of your feelings are natural so never listen to anyone that is telling you that you are doing it wrong. There is no wrong, it's called living after a loss.
God Bless
New To This
I've always wanted to write a book about the last 3 1/2 years of my life, but never knew where to start. I figured a blog would be a good place to start, at least to see if anyone would even be interested in reading what I had to say.
The easiest way to give you a glimpse at the last 3 years of my life is to start from the beginning.
On February 25 Elias started throwing up. No fever just throwing up every few hours. We didn't think anything of it since we had the flu the week before. Well as the day went on it became more frequent and he couldn't keep anything down do around 8:30 pm we took him to the ER at a local hospital. As we sat there for the next 3 hours he became much worst and wasn't responsive. We finally got back there close to 12 am. So they gave him an IV to see if they could hydrate him. After a bag it didn't seem to help so they became concerned and admitted him. At this his heart rate was dropping and he wasn't breathing very well. I asked them to transfer us to a local children's hospital at this time but first they did a spinal tap to make sure he didn't have meningitis. By doing this it created a downward spiral of the worst 24 hours of our lives. (Don't get me wrong I'm not blaming them for what happened.) now at about 5 am I call my husband to let them know they are transferring us because he went home to get some rest. Of course there was practically a blizzard going on outside at this point so instead on being life flighted by helicopter we went by ambulance which felt like eternity. It was around 6:30 am I think by the time we got to the other hospital and pretty much as soon as he got put in his bed his oxygen level dropped and I, not the nurse put his oxygen tubes in his nose. He was having a seizer so they made us leave while they gave him medicine to stop it. Of course the medicine stopped his breathing which made them put him on the vent, but right before this happened he opened his eyes for the first time in hours and smiled at me. Which was the last time he was awake. So at this time my parents and mother in law were in the waiting room with us waiting to hear something. Really all I remember was my mom calling my brother to come,(which he's a doctor) and my mom saying how Elias was going to be ok. I remember just saying, but what if God wants him, there's nothing we can do about it.
It felt like forever waiting for results. We got to wait in the icu room with him and I remember trying to sleep since I didn't sleep in about 24 hours at that point, but of course I couldn't. My brother finally got there right before we got the news which I'm very thankful for.
So the time had come. It was around 1:30 pm of the 26th. The icu dr asked us to sit on these stools in the hallway while we looked at a computer screen. My husband was sitting on one side of me holding my hand and my oldest brother on the side of me holding my other hand. The dr starts showing us pictures of a normal brain and then Elias's brain from his ct scan from earlier that day. All I remember is my brother squeezing my hand when his scan was shown and saying oh no under his breath,(which he doesn't remember even doing) this is where the dr told us he had a massive brain tumor that was blocking his brain stem fluid from draining back down from his head. At this point it was a huge blur. We got taken into a small room which was more like a closet and was told about all the options we had. We agreed on doing surgery in the morning to remove as much as the tumor as they could and cemo right after that. During all this Elias was getting a MRI so they could get a better idea of how the surgery was going to go.
Time went by very slow and I remember standing there rubbing his feet and playing his glow warm for him.
I don't remember when they came in to tell us they changed their mind about surgery, but one of the surgeons was going over all his tests and decided he needed to take him in to surgery that night. The Dr knew if he didn't release the pressure in his head soon he wouldn't make it through the night.
As we all walked down to the surgery room I kissed Elias goodbye and told him I loved him. The surgery only took about a half hour and the surgeon came out and said everything went great and he was on his way back up to the room. While we were talking to him he got a page, which we later find out was them telling him Elias was coding.
I am not going to go into detail about how things were handled by the hospital when we arrived to his room. I will skip over all that. The only thing I will say is my wonderful brother got into the room with him and he was the one that gave us the news that Elias passed away at 8:29 pm on February 26, 2008.
Me and my husband and our family and friends went and held Elias for the last time that night in the hospital room.
I just want to end my first blog entry by saying I don't want my blog to be sad and upsetting to people. I want it to bring hope and joy to others that have lost a child, family member, or close friend. No ones loss is more than another's. I want to show what I've been through and how I dealt with it and my feelings that I still go through. Let me make it clear I'm not saying how I grieve is the right way I'm just showing you how I got through such a tragic loss.
I really hope people can read my thoughts and have it be comforting to them knowing someone else has thought that or done the same thing.
God Bless you all and there is a lot more to come. Thank you for reading my story.
The easiest way to give you a glimpse at the last 3 years of my life is to start from the beginning.
On February 25 Elias started throwing up. No fever just throwing up every few hours. We didn't think anything of it since we had the flu the week before. Well as the day went on it became more frequent and he couldn't keep anything down do around 8:30 pm we took him to the ER at a local hospital. As we sat there for the next 3 hours he became much worst and wasn't responsive. We finally got back there close to 12 am. So they gave him an IV to see if they could hydrate him. After a bag it didn't seem to help so they became concerned and admitted him. At this his heart rate was dropping and he wasn't breathing very well. I asked them to transfer us to a local children's hospital at this time but first they did a spinal tap to make sure he didn't have meningitis. By doing this it created a downward spiral of the worst 24 hours of our lives. (Don't get me wrong I'm not blaming them for what happened.) now at about 5 am I call my husband to let them know they are transferring us because he went home to get some rest. Of course there was practically a blizzard going on outside at this point so instead on being life flighted by helicopter we went by ambulance which felt like eternity. It was around 6:30 am I think by the time we got to the other hospital and pretty much as soon as he got put in his bed his oxygen level dropped and I, not the nurse put his oxygen tubes in his nose. He was having a seizer so they made us leave while they gave him medicine to stop it. Of course the medicine stopped his breathing which made them put him on the vent, but right before this happened he opened his eyes for the first time in hours and smiled at me. Which was the last time he was awake. So at this time my parents and mother in law were in the waiting room with us waiting to hear something. Really all I remember was my mom calling my brother to come,(which he's a doctor) and my mom saying how Elias was going to be ok. I remember just saying, but what if God wants him, there's nothing we can do about it.
It felt like forever waiting for results. We got to wait in the icu room with him and I remember trying to sleep since I didn't sleep in about 24 hours at that point, but of course I couldn't. My brother finally got there right before we got the news which I'm very thankful for.
So the time had come. It was around 1:30 pm of the 26th. The icu dr asked us to sit on these stools in the hallway while we looked at a computer screen. My husband was sitting on one side of me holding my hand and my oldest brother on the side of me holding my other hand. The dr starts showing us pictures of a normal brain and then Elias's brain from his ct scan from earlier that day. All I remember is my brother squeezing my hand when his scan was shown and saying oh no under his breath,(which he doesn't remember even doing) this is where the dr told us he had a massive brain tumor that was blocking his brain stem fluid from draining back down from his head. At this point it was a huge blur. We got taken into a small room which was more like a closet and was told about all the options we had. We agreed on doing surgery in the morning to remove as much as the tumor as they could and cemo right after that. During all this Elias was getting a MRI so they could get a better idea of how the surgery was going to go.
Time went by very slow and I remember standing there rubbing his feet and playing his glow warm for him.
I don't remember when they came in to tell us they changed their mind about surgery, but one of the surgeons was going over all his tests and decided he needed to take him in to surgery that night. The Dr knew if he didn't release the pressure in his head soon he wouldn't make it through the night.
As we all walked down to the surgery room I kissed Elias goodbye and told him I loved him. The surgery only took about a half hour and the surgeon came out and said everything went great and he was on his way back up to the room. While we were talking to him he got a page, which we later find out was them telling him Elias was coding.
I am not going to go into detail about how things were handled by the hospital when we arrived to his room. I will skip over all that. The only thing I will say is my wonderful brother got into the room with him and he was the one that gave us the news that Elias passed away at 8:29 pm on February 26, 2008.
Me and my husband and our family and friends went and held Elias for the last time that night in the hospital room.
I just want to end my first blog entry by saying I don't want my blog to be sad and upsetting to people. I want it to bring hope and joy to others that have lost a child, family member, or close friend. No ones loss is more than another's. I want to show what I've been through and how I dealt with it and my feelings that I still go through. Let me make it clear I'm not saying how I grieve is the right way I'm just showing you how I got through such a tragic loss.
I really hope people can read my thoughts and have it be comforting to them knowing someone else has thought that or done the same thing.
God Bless you all and there is a lot more to come. Thank you for reading my story.
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