More kids

I know many people thought I was crazy for having another baby so soon, and I can't say I blame them. This is one of those things where you don't know how you will react till it happens to you. I was one of those people that thought I would never want anymore children if I had a child pass away. I thought how could I, all I would do is worry about everything. How could I deal with the emotions again how could I put myself through that heart break of having another baby and have something possibly happen again. Well that's what's funny about God, he knows you better than you know yourself, since we were expecting before we could blink. Yep you heard me we were due that December. Now, I know what you are probably thinking and I'm sure people around us were thinking it too,"why would they want another baby? Are they trying to replace him?"
My mom said it best when she said,"I would be worried about you if you didn't want anymore" now she probably regrets that since we kept having them. Lol
To those of you who lost a child and are struggling with whether to have more children, it's definitely different for everyone. For us I think it helped our healing process. Not as a replacement but as a focus point. I think it would have been a lot different if it wasn't for having Tidus so soon. He was born before the year hit of Elias passing. I think it was also easier to get back to our daily lives because we had no choice, we had an older son.

I do remember while pregnant with Tidus thinking please God let them look alike but give them something distinctly different about them. God heard me that's for sure Tidus came out with a head full of brown hair that looked like a wig. Then came us having another baby march of 2011. At this point we were just getting used to the idea of having all boys and God once again throws us for a loop and we had a beautiful baby girl Francesca rose on 3/10/11. Once again she comes out with a head full of hair but she looks so much like Elias it melts my heart every time I look in her eyes.

The biggest bittersweet moment of my life was holding Tidus after he was born, because the only reason I got pregnant with Tidus is because I quit nursing when Elias passed away. It's a hard thing to deal with knowing you have one baby because you lost another, and not being able to imagine your life any other way. Its a indescribable feeling to wrap your head around, but it's ok to be happy. It's not taking anything thing away from your child you lost. I still miss and love Elias more than you can imagine but I refuse to let that stop me from living after losing him. I'm not replacing him. There is no way to replace Elias, I think he smiles down from heaven everyday seeing his 2 brothers and his beautiful sister and thinks I give great gifts. ;)



God Bless