Friendships where you least expect it...

They always say you know who your true friends are when something tragic happens to you. Well that's a lie, you know who your true friends are years after something tragic happens to you. It's been in the last year that I've really been taught about friendship and how friendships start where you least expect it.

This topic was brought to me from one of my best friends Kristy who I've known since we were 5. We were on the phone one day talking about a friend of mine who was helping me with my charity. Kristy asked me how I met them and of course I said Facebook. This is my usually answer now a days. Social media has kind of taken over my life, like many of us in small businesses, who have blogs and run charities.
Amazing things can truly happen on social media sites when used correctly!
I honestly am still in shock of the support of these friends I have met through Facebook. It all started when we founded our charity. Every time I would post about an event or even a fundraiser these new friends would be right there asking what we needed, what they could do to help and sharing about our charity. I know it doesn't seem like much to click a share button, but you would be surprised on people you think would share what your doing in their community, but don't. It's very heartbreaking sometimes to be "ignored". I understand people have lives and not everyone has money or time to donate, but it's nice to just be told,"hey, it's great what you're doing in memory of your son."
Ok, so back to the happy post. :) I have met some really sweet, helpful, and amazing men and women in the last 6 months alone. From people donating their services of photography to cookies, and people donating items and money that I never expected. Not only has this been from new friends but also long time friends that have been by my side for the last 4 heart wrenching years. I really just want to thank you all for everything you have done for us and I hope you know how much easier you make it to live after a loss.

God bless. Love you guys!

Charity blog post

I normally don't mix my personal blog to my charity page, but i couldn't leave out the story i just posted on our charities blog. Please read!!
http://comfort-hearts.com/Blog/Entries/2012/3/5_Real_Friendships_Still_Exist%3A_Please_Read!.html

God Bless

Kele

Frankie's Thoughts...

Today is Monday the 27th of February 2012 which is 1 day after the 4 year anniversary of my 1st born son’s death. His name was Elias Adin Pallitta. His name is a story all of it’s own. The spiritual meaning of Elias Adin is “promise to God”. To understand why I would choose such a name would mean that you understand my past. For many years I thought I knew who I was & for many years I was deceived into believing I was a good person. My past is something that my wife and I do not discuss and for the most part it is a good idea. On the surface it is easy for me to say I was an alcoholic and used as well as sold many drugs to many people. This portion of my story I will not indulge into but I will talk about the events that took me deep into the dark cave I found myself and the events thereafter. 

I met my wife Kele over the internet as I was trying to find more friends that were not apart of my past and that could offer me a healthy relationship as a friend. We were on Myspace at the time and she was a friend of some people I had just met at a new Church I was attending. After speaking for a bit she began to come visit me. It was necessary for her to visit me considering I was on house arrest for a year after spending some time in jail. Her visits brought me a great deal of happiness and I fell in love... we fell in love. Four months later we married each other and another 9 months we had our very first child together. As I previously mentioned I named him Elias Adin Pallitta (promise to God). You can see now that it was my intention to name him after my new life as I had promised to God every minute of every day that I would live my life for Him. 

I remember the day my son was born. It was very special to me and my life was moving along in a positive direction. The job I had was seasonal and the winter came. I was able to stay home and take care of him as Kele worked. I loved my time with him. I  would make videos of us being goofy and just hanging out. I often thought of the magnificent things he would do and how I would always be right by his side. I named him Chunkerbutt. He was a cute and lovable chunk of love and he had such a wonderful smile and giggle to match. I felt as if our connection grew stronger every day. I loved being home with him. I had never felt such a wonderful feeling in my life. We often made videos together playing around almost everyday and now that is something we are very grateful for.

Now at this point you all now what happens.               You must be thinking many things about myself.                 Here is the part I answer your questions.

In high school I had fell in love with someone. I spent around 4 years with this person and I was madly in love. In the end this girl left me and to my devastation I fell into a deep depression. I had already been drinking with my college friends and selling drugs. Now I had the tools I needed to take it further. I began drinking heavily all the time and drugging whenever possible. Being in that situation which I know some of you have or either know of someone you understand fully the things that can happen and what can become of someone. For years I locked myself up sobbing in my pain of sorrow. I hated life... I hated myself. It took roughly 3 years for me to feel relief from this person. I remember that day very well. I don’t know what it was but for some reason I had realized I had not thought of this person for awhile and it was realizing that that had made me feel alive. As if spring had just rushed in and taken over with the warmth of the sun on my face. 

Soon after I had reached out to find a permanent solution and for me that solution was God. I had the same feeling as I did the day I felt alive again. God had taken away all of life's weight off my shoulders. That day I also wept like a baby and I did not want it to stop. I had taken another step in the right direction to get my life back on track, to get my life back.

I hope that part of my story helps to signify the reason for why I named my son “My Promise to God”. Knowing that God had given his only son as a promise to us I thought it was fitting to promise my son back to God. I suppose you can imagine my thoughts once my son had passed away only 7 months after he was born. 

My previous story has another meaning to it or at least another reason for telling it. It was that depression that I had gone through that made me into the man I am today. without it I would have failed my wife and my new son Karter. Without the lessons that God taught me I would have destroyed my life permanently without failure as I had in the past. I am eternally grateful for everything God has done in my life. I suppose I am a person that believes everything happens for a reason. Does that mean that my son who I promised my life through to God was taken from me for a reason... was he mine to be taken from?

I love my son Elias. I spent an incredible 7 months with him with nothing but laughter. He is no longer in my arms. He is no longer laughing at me as I make goofy gestures. I know he is somewhere and I know he is there for a reason. I remember my last moments of him in my arms at the hospital. It all happened so fast but time stood still for me one last time as I held him gracefully in my arms just after he was gone. I won’t lie, he was cold, limp, lifeless, breathless but none-the less he was there and he was all mine. I ran my fingers around his pudgy face and stared into him as long as I could. I did not care of the other things. He was alive to me and I was going to say good bye with a smile on my face and hug like he had never had before. That is exactly what his death is to us... a celebration.  Again, I love you chunkerbutt. I am always here for you but I know that you are here for me just as much.

4 year anniversary

So today is the 4 year anniversary of Elias passing away. It definitely doesn't feel like its been that long, but then looking back on everything we've done in that time it kind of feels like it should be longer. If that makes any sense.

It really has been an amazing journey for us. Between the tears of losing a wonderful sweet boy to having two more children and watching our oldest grow up right in front of our eyes. I can honestly say we've been very blessed.
We have 4 beautiful children. Yes we only have 3 of them physically here with us, but we did have 7 wonderful, healthy months with Elias.

I know a lot of people look at our story and say they can't image going through what we went through. Well we think the same thing about other families in our community and that is exactly why we started our charity. God is amazing in this way, because he took our devastating loss and made us open our hearts to others, not feel sorry for ourselves. I have been amazed daily for the last 4 years at the strength and comfort that God brings to me and my family, so for me to be able to bring an ounce of that to other families and to show Gods love and his grace through our charity brings me to my knees in PRAISE!

Living after a loss doesn't have to mean living without that person forever.

Dear Elias,
I can't believe it has been 4 years since I held you in my arms, even though so much has happened. I'm sure you are so in love with your baby sister, looking over her, are laughing daily at your crazy little brother and beaming with joy as you watch your big brother grow up into such a great young man. We talk about you so much that when Tidus is asked how many brothers he has he says 2, and cesca will do the same. Keep watching over them and say hello to everyone we have lost dear to our hearts. We will meet again baby boy, but until then, just know we love and miss you chunker butt!!
Love,
Mommy

Gender Disappointment... Ahhh...........

So in the last 3 1/2 years I have grown to be very annoyed of a lot of things that people say and do but gender disappointment is on the top of my list.

I understand people have a preference on If they would rather have a boy or girl. I get it, I know first hand how it is to have 3 boys already and be pregnant with your 4th baby. What I don't understand is the people that throw a fit and cry hysterically because they aren't having the gender they want, but I never really paid attention to "gender disappointment" till I was pregnant with my last baby and I started reading pregnancy forums. (stay away, chicks are crazy) There was always an argument on the forums saying,"don't be upset at least you can have a baby" and then their response would be, "well I'm grieving a son or daughter I wanted to have and don't now so for me it's like losing a baby" (yes, true conversation) I know people will be upset when they find out they are not having what they were wishing for, but that's something that should be done privately or with very close friends and family that won't be offended. Can you imagine not being able to get pregnant, or being able to carry a baby or like us lose a child and sit there and have to listen to someone cry and complain that they are having another baby that is not the gender they wanted. Let me be perfectly frank. STOP! Stop having babies if it will make you that upset that you wished you weren't even pregnant, an if you keep having babies and its not the gender you were hoping for, PLEASE just stop the complaining! Everyone knows that you have a 50% chance of having the gender you were wishing for and if that's not ok then stop having kids. There is plenty of people out there that can't have kids of their own and would love to have whatever child God would give them. We were lucky enough to be able to have more children after losing our son but many people can't, and that is more devastating to me than if you didn't get the gender you wanted, so suck it, put a smile on your face and be thankful God has blessed you with a miracle called a baby. Not a boy or a girl but a miracle that you get to bring into this world to love. Living after a loss is hard enough so just please be mindful for the people around you and instead of complaining, count your blessings and be thankful.

The Holidays

The holidays can be very tricky. While everyone around you are celebrating, you are missing your loved one more than ever.
Our first holiday after Elias passed away was Easter. I remember going out to eat with our whole family and my food not being right and just crying at the table. Yes, I definitely wasn't expecting that. I thought I would be fine going out with my family. I mean it was just lunch, but what I didn't realize was it's never just lunch on the holidays. It's a day of sadness and sometimes guilt at first.
Our first Christmas after Elias passed Tidus was already born, so I think it made it a lot easier for us. With that sense of peace comes guilt though. Holidays for us aren't sad anymore. I couldn't tell you the last time I cried during them. I don't know if that's bad, good, or even normal.
I'm sure it would be different if we didn't have any other children or if we would have lost him at an older age where there was more memories of him during the holidays. I know for sure
there is no certain way to act or feel around the holidays. It's all about how you want to live after a loss. It's ok to have holiday cheer, it doesn't mean you are not thinking about or missing your sweet baby, or that others around you aren't either. God is amazing and when is a better time than Christmas to praise him. He gave us his son so we can see our loved ones again.

God Bless and have a Merry Christmas

The cemetery

I will be the first one to say I don't go out to his grave site very often. I could probably count on both hands how many times I've gone. I'm not sure if i would go more if he was buried closer or not. Right now he is about 20 minutes away. We've haven't even bought a grave stone yet because we always talk about moving him to our town we live in but I'm not sure if that would really change me going out there to visit.
I know many people close to me that love going to their loved ones grave site. It's therapeutic for them. Even my husband likes going, but to me he's not really there so why go. I feel more at peace looking through photos and watching videos of him. Even at the holidays we have a tree to go out there that lights up but didn't even put it out last year. It sounds horrible but I forgot. Don't get me wrong I never forget about Elias, not one day goes by that I don't talk about him or see him through the kids. Life just gets busy. It might sound weird to people especially those that have lost a loved one. I had our 3rd son before the year anniversary of Elias passing. Our life really couldn't stop with an older son also. Believe me, we celebrate his life everyday. We still go and have a birthday dinner and even have pictures with him. (yes, you heard me.;)) We did have a little birthday celebration at the cemetery for his 1st birthday.
I guess you can say there is no right way or wrong way to visiting or not visiting your loved one at the cemetery. As long as you can get through living after a loss you are doing what's right for you.
God Bless

Comfort care package preview

The first 5 care packages are done, here is a sneak peak on what they look like!

I put a donation list together if you were wondering what items we would need for the packages, please help out if you can, Thank you and God Bless

For Basket

puzzles

books

Gift cards to restaurants

Individually wrapped snacks

coloring books and crayons

pens

journals

powder drinks (inividual) like crystal light

Scentsy buddy

money, and gift cards would be great to be able to buy the baskets and contents.

we were told on average of 2-5 patients at a time so we are really looking for support. the address you can send donations to is  Elias Adin's Comforting Hearts Inc

                                 12335 waterstone lane apt 813

                                 Perrysburg, OH 43551  

Going back to work

I think this is a hard decision for a lot of mothers after losing a child. When or if you go back to work. I was lucky where I could take six weeks off of work after Elias passed away. We were financially ok since we had life insurance on him and my fellow employees were very generous on giving me their sick and vacation time to use. I remember the phone call that my boss made to me. She called to let me know I had to come back to work on a certain day and to make sure I was ready. I don't think there is ever a time you are ready to go back to work but I was ready to get back into a routine. I worked in Dialysis at the time and had a 45 minute commute. I loved my job and people I worked with but did not look forward to going back. I don't know if it was because I didn't work at that unit for very long before he passed away or if I felt resentment for my job since it took me away from Elias when he was alive. I only took 5 weeks off after he was born and went back full time plus some so I was gone a lot and my husband stayed home with him.  I just remember driving to work every day crying not wanting to go and thinking about the baby. On one hand it was great to get out of the house and be around people but on the other hand being around sick patients all the time wasn't exactly helping. I would hear patients complaining that they can't eat this or drink as much as they wanted, it got real annoying real quick so thank goodness I didn't work there for very long after. It was just a month after because I got pregnant with Tidus and my body was telling me to slow down.  The Dr's put me on bed rest because my body was trying to miscarry him, due to all of the stress and it was definitely a blessing in disguise.
I ended up being a stay at home mom for a year and a half which was the first time I have ever had the chance to do and it was exactly what I needed. It's definitely a very personal choice and don't let anyone tell you what you need to do, whether its going back to work a week after or never going back. You have to do what's right for you and what is going to get you through living after a loss.

God Bless

Elias Adin's Comforting Hearts Inc will be making donations to Toledo Children's Hospital Oncology

I'm so proud to share our charity in Elias's name. 

After almost 4 years I finally decided to start a charity to bring comfort for families who has children with cancer. We are going to be giving care packages to the families in oncology at Toledo Children's Hospital. With this care package we will have a scentsy buddy for the child with cancer and many different snacks, magazines, gift cards for local fast food, a journal, and books for the family. This will be the initial package for their admissions and we still are working on ideas for when the kids and their family who come back for more treatments. 

In the next few months i'm really hoping to get our name out there for support so I can possibly expand to more hospitals and giving a scholarship to a medical student going into pediatric oncology. I'm putting together 5 baskets right now to be able to take to our first families. I can't wait to be able to help families who are struggling with this horrible fight to cancer. 

Please share to your friends and families about our worthy cause and God Bless you all.

Being around other kids

I've had a lot of people ask me about how it is being around other kids so I thought it would be a great topic. I guess I will start 3 1/2 years ago. I remember the weekend after Elias passed away we were at church working back in the kids area and I would walk back and forth from the room that Elias would have been in just looking at the babies. It didn't make me sad at all, I actually loved seeing all of them and thinking about Elias. I remember a few weeks later holding a sweet baby because he wouldn't stop crying and just walking down the halls with him and as I'm doing this I look over and other people have tears in their eyes. I think it's more heart breaking watching than living it sometimes. The one thing I've never done is hide my love I had for Elias and I try to be a great example to others on how God can work through you. It's never been sadness being around kids his age through the last 3 1/2 years. It's more thinking about what he would be doing now. Like at his 1st birthday him walking and talking, or he would be starting preschool this year. It makes it a little easier having Tidus because they would have only been 15 months apart.
A lot of people have come to me and said they feel guilty knowing Elias and their child were the same age or they know someone who lost a child the same age as theirs. I will tell you I've never once been jealous or mad at someone for having a child the same age as Elias. Why would I be upset that they had their child live. I hate knowing that someone feels guilty because they have their son and we don't. I have heard a lot of people not being able to be around someone who is pregnant right after a loss or being very angry seeing people with children the same age as their child they lost. To each their own because that's how they feel, but I believe just because you have lost a child does not give you the right to be selfish. Like I have said from the beginning you can't help what you feel, but I think it also gives us a crutch to be a little mean also. I never experienced not wanting to be around other children or people that were pregnant. My sister-in-law at the time of Elias's death was pregnant and I could not imagine not wanting to be around her. I think too though that people with children and that are pregnant don't know whether they should come around or not or they don't know what to say. I'm sure they don't want to come across like they are bragging about their kid or their unborn baby. It's a hard situation to be in on the other side. My advise to anyone that is struggling with this would be let your friend know you are there for them, don't stay away, unless they ask you to. It's always nice hearing from friends on Elias's birthday or the anniversary of him passing. Just knowing they remembered and are thinking of you makes a huge impact on our day. It seems like the more years that go by the less people send personal messages so just let your friends know you are thinking of them. Even if it's when you're out with your little one or child their kids age, call them or send a card because I know the guilt won't go away for many of you but feeling that way won't help your friends, knowing you care does. I know this post got way off topic but hey, many things come into mind when you are trying to explain living after a loss.

God Bless

Last baby same age as Elias

When Tidus was this age I was very nervous, looking at photos to see if his head looked any bigger than the month before. Yes, I look at that stuff now because after Elias passed I would look back at pictures and notice a slight difference in the weeks before he passed away. I always joked that Tidus was too crazy to have anything wrong with him, but now Francesca is so good I worry that something is wrong. I think it's normal to worry and study the things her and Elias have in common. From their eyes, to how she bites her bottom lip. I have one of our last photos of Elias and he's biting his lip and I've always wondered if he was doing that because of the pressure in his head or if he was teething, so of course my mind starts going when I see Francesca doing it. I think it's one of those normal thoughts, could it ever happen again? I'm sure it could, yes it was a fluke thing, one in a million chance, but it happens. I guess this is something you think about before you decide to have more kids. To us it was very easy to decide. Our thought process was this. Were we ok to go through this again? Would we take that chance? Well here's how we came up with the answer. If we knew Elias was going to die from a brain tumor at 7 months old would we of wanted to have him? Of course we would have, so why would that stop us from having more kids. I would rather have any babies for only 7 months than not have them at all.

Well, today is the day that Francesca is the exact same age as Elias was when he passed away. I feel like it's a lot sadder with her than Tidus because this is our last baby. From now on we won't be able to look at pictures and say, oh thats the same age as Elias was. Don't get me wrong I still look at photos of Elias and see Tidus in him, even now. Just the other day Tidus was looking at photos of Elias right before he passed away and said, "oh baby Tidus." That always makes me smile. I love that he can see himself in Elias, and hope Francesca will be able to do the same.

It's a bittersweet day. I can't imagine my life any other way. That doesn't mean I'm glad Elias passed away, it's just I'm happy with my life and what God has given me. It's a hard thing to deal with sometimes, being happy. I think a lot of people struggle with this, but I will continue to see Elias through our three wonderful kids. Living after a loss is really hard, but it doesn't mean you can't have a happy ending.

How the loss effects the kids

It's hard to even begin on this topic because we had only one older child at the time, Karter who was 7. At the time he was old enough to understand about it but I still don't think losing a sibling is anything a kid can really comprehend. How could he, it's hard enough for adults. I do remember though the morning after Elias passed away I got up and sat in the recliner at my grandmas house and Karter sat on my lap as we watched the news. This is how the conversation went. Karter, "mom I love you". Me "love you too baby". Karter,"do you think Elias has met great grandpa yet?" and then I cried and hugged him tight. He is such a sweet boy and he is so thoughtful. He truly is one of a kind. I know he loved Elias so much. He was so excited to have a baby brother,so I thought it would be a great idea for karter to write a few things he was feeling at the time and how he deals with it now. This is what he had to say.

I remember I was at my great grandma's house when I found out that Elias passed away. My great grandma knew before I did because my grandma called to tell her. I didn't know till they came back to the house. I was very sad and couldn't believe that it happened.
I really didn't know what to expect at the showing but I remember I was up at the casket rubbing his forehead, there really wasn't a reason why, I just wanted to be close to him.
When my mom and dad had Tidus I was really excited, and I was really happy it was another boy. I think it made it easier for me since it took my mind off losing Elias. I love looking at all the pictures and videos of Elias. It makes me smile every time I see him. I talk about him too a lot. Every time a friend asks me how many brothers and sisters I have I tell them 3, and tell them about Elias. He will always be my little brother!

So as you can tell, Karter is an amazing boy. I think he has handled every thing so well, and yes one day more emotions might come out and he we will have to help him through that. He did get really emotional after he came and visited us in the hospital after having Tidus. He cried in the car because he didn't want it happening again. So things do surface at different times for him. The little ones are going to be a lot different, it's totally up to us to tell them about Elias. We are just now really telling Tidus about him. He has always seen photos up of him but he finally says his name and will tell people he has two brothers and is so proud. He will go by and say oh baby Elias when he sees a photo. I can't wait to be able to tell both of them all about their amazing brother who touched so many lives. Yes, I will tell them about how he passed away. I don't plan on sheltering them from the sad things here on earth because this will be a main source on telling them about God too. I get to tell them we will get to see Elias again and he is in an amazing place waiting for us. I think kids need to know that life isn't a fairy tale, it's a hard and people suffer. People have to live after a loss, because if we didn't they wouldn't be here.

God Bless

What to do with everything

Now this is usually a huge process. What do you do with everything? I think this is something everyone deals with differently. For us we moved into a new place 12 days before he passed away. Elias and our oldest shared a room so he didn't have a nursery set up. Yes he had a crib but he never slept in it. So we didn't even have to think about what to do with his nursery. I kept the crib up for a week or two but it had no sentimental value to us since it was karters crib and like I said he never slept in it.(he was a co-sleeper ;))

He had many clothes and toys and we kept everything knowing we would have more kids. The glow worm that you see in many pictures and even in the photos at the hospital we buried with him and the outfit we chose for him to wear was the outfit he's wearing in my profile picture. We gave my brothers each an outfit to keep and I kept out a few things like the blanket he was wrapped in till the funeral home came and got him and a little jacket. These are the only two things no one else has used. I know it's probably not the normal but hey what's normal, I let a lot of my friends borrow his clothes and then once Tidus was born we got a lot of new clothes too. This might sound weird but I loved seeing my friends babies wearing an "Elias" outfit as we called it, and I think it was special for them too. He touched a lot of people's lives in his short time and I loved being able to share anything that belonged to him.

We still have a lot of his stuff because we just had our last baby and we are still using it. I actually just pulled out his stroller and have been using it for the baby and it makes me smile seeing her in it. I also have one out fit that Elias was known for at church, it was his red outfit from the gap. It was so soft and everyone also talked about it and just the other day I put Francesca in it and she was one smilie baby that day. I love having those connections with each baby, but it really comes down to what makes you comfortable. Not everyone will be able to let their other children wear the same clothes and especially other people's kids. That's why this is such a personal decision. There is not right way or wrong way, it's whatever you need to do to get you through living after a loss.

God Bless

Feeling cold hearted!

Ok, now you might think I'm being hypocritical here by what I'm about to write. I'm not writing this to get people mad, I am just being honest about how my feelings are after a loss of a child. I'm not saying that my feelings are right, but this is just how it is for me.

I was never a very open person emotionally. I've always been very sarcastic and blunt, so you would think after losing Elias I would be more apathetic to others. It's actually the complete opposite. There are times I feel very cold hearted. This is a very hard thing to admit because I'm not proud of it but I think it's what a lot of people struggle with after losing a loved one. I want to share my story so other people can see that what they are feeling is normal, plus it might help family and friend understand us too.

You might be reading this and think I'm not this way at all, because you've seen me be emotionally there for you and be very caring toward what is going on in your life that is heartbreaking. Yes, that is so true. I have a few friends that have gone through very tragic, scary things in the last 3 years, and did not blink an eye to be there. I even sucked it up and went back to the exact hospital on the exact floor that Elias passed away on to be there for a friend. My heart breaks every time I know a friend is feeling what I had to feel. It's a deep gut wrenching feeling that makes you want to puke and I get the feeling back every time it happens to someone I know.(that's a whole other post) so when I talk about being cold hearted a lot comes from... Yep you guessed it Facebook. Don't get me wrong I love having Facebook to keep in contact with friends and family and see all the great things happening in their lives, but with that you also get every thing that is bad going on in their lives. (so all my Facebook friends do not be offended I'm just using this as an example that people can relate to) I have a hard time being sympathetic to people who think the world is over because their sport team lost or they feel like crap because they drank too much the night before. Now those are probably normal things every one gets annoyed with but I have a really hard time when people treat their pets like kids and when they are sick or pass away they can't function in life. I look at it as it's a animal get another one. I know it's cruel but once again that's how I feel. Now for getting off the whole Facebook think I will turn my attention the the wonderful television. Watching the news is another issue. Seeing all day coverage on a 90 year old famous person that passed away acting as if it was this tragic unexpected loss. Yes it's someone's loved one and it's sad but come on they lived a great life why don't you cover a child that passed away or a soldier that died serving our country(see now here comes my cold hearted rants) I don't care which celebrity O.D or how a 80 year old government official has a brain tumor and only has a year to live. I hope I didn't offend anyone by this, but I think a lot of people need to take a step back and look on how blessed they really are instead of complaining about every little thing that they don't like or that didn't go as expected. (I still do those things so I know it's a hard habit to break.) Its not that I don't care about other people's feelings even though it sounds like it, I just find it not so bad after losing a baby and unfortunately I feel it's like that for a lot of people living after a loss.

God Bless

The dreaded question: How many kids do you have??

Oh how I hate this question; How many kids do you have?

I actually answer this question two ways but it can go in many different directions. Most of the time I say 4. And leave it at that, but sometimes it's not that cut and dry. They want to know how old, their names and if "4" of them aren't with me, where they are. Now this is where it gets awkward. I don't think there is a right way to do this, even after the last 3 1/2 years I haven't found what works best. I have a hard time just telling people I have 3 kids because I don't, and I only usually tell people 3 if it's in passing and I know I will never see them again.

So this is how I go about telling people about my 4 kids. I start with the baby and go up, or I say we have 3 older boys and a 6 month old girl or i just say they range from 11 to 6 months. Now it is a lot different with karter's friends parents or sport team families. I just jump into it full steam ahead. I just say we lost our 2nd son to a brain tumor and I get the dropping of the jaw. I always feel really bad for just unloading the news on people because they either start crying or it just becomes very uncomfortable. No one expects to hear that no matter what the situation is.

I guess my advise would be if you don't want to explain it to random strangers don't, you probably will never see them again. Now if you plan on having a relationship with them or your kids will you might as well get it out there and let them know from the beginning. It seems to work best for us even though sometimes I feel like I depress everyone on the initial explanation. Please do what's comfortable for you, I don't mind talking about it so it's a lot more awkward for them than me, but hey I'm the one living after a loss.

God Bless.

The helpful things...

Like I said before I think going to a funeral or a showing is one of the hardest things to do. No one ever teaches you about what you should say or do when someone close to you loses a loved one. I know I already filled you in on some of the crazy and annoying things that happened to us so it's only fair to share the helpful things too. Let me start by saying if it wasn't for my wonderful family and friends being there for us it would have been an even rougher 3 1/2 years and not one day goes by where I don't appreciate everyone that was there for us. I will go down the list of things that I thought was helpful to me and my family during this time and also share some advise for those who don't know what to say to their friends who have gone through a loss.

Company: Now the morning after Elias passed away a couple of friends from work wanted to come see me. My mom got the phone call because I was still sleeping and she told them she didn't think I would be up for it, but when I got up I said sure why not maybe it would help get my mind off of it. So about an hour later there came my work girls and let me tell you I am so thankful they did. They sat with me while Frankie and my mom went and picked out flowers and did random stuff to get ready for the funeral. They got me through that day in one piece. We didn't sit around talking about what happened, they were just there. I don't even really remember what we talked about but I remember crying and laughing with them. This is where I always say no matter if you don't know what to say, go see your friend and just sit there. If they want to talk about it let them bring it up but if not just keep them company.

Making food: I can't tell you enough how nice it was when friends and family show up with food even though I wasn't hungry it was one less thing to have to worry about doing. I can honestly say I didn't cook for a good month or two after he passed. One of those I just didn't feel like doing. Not only was it nice afterwards but while we were at the funeral home many of my friends made tons of food to share.

Cards: no matter what, send a card. It is the easiest thing you can do especially if you have no idea what to say. It was so nice getting cards days and even weeks after.  You don't even have to write anything in it, just sign your name. Just knowing someone is thinking of you is all you need. I was very shocked by some "friends" that didn't even acknowledge the fact that I lost a baby, and guess what I wrote them off completely. Like I said before it's hard to know what to say or do, I understand that so I hope I'm not coming off harsh but just send a card.

Coming to the showing/funeral: I will be the first to admit I don't remember much from the days of the showing and funeral, but I do remember seeing a couple people that I would have never in a million years thought would have been there.  It's one of those weird things I guess where you have some disappointment when you thought certain people would come and they don't, but I knew many people wouldn't be able to make it in on such short notice. I remember more than anything my friend Karly coming to the showing on her way up to Chicago. Now a little back story is, we weren't the greatest friends before all of this, (high school stuff...lol love you Karly) but unfortunately she lost her son Sam a few years prior so she knew exactly how I was feeling. Now a lot of people would have never came to a showing to someone that they were not friends with, but she did and now has a very special place in my heart. I would also like to take this opportunity to thank everyone that came and supported us for those two days. It meant the world to us.

Being normal: This might sound stupid, but it was so nice when people acted normal around us. We actually had a guitar hero party planned before the baby passed away and it was scheduled for the 2weeks after the fact. I am so thankful we decided to go a head with it and for our friends to make it an enjoyable experience. It's never fun going somewhere and getting "the looks" like, is she going to lose it at anytime.

So, I guess if I would give one piece of advise is don't feel like you have to say anything. Just be there, no one expects you to give this huge speech about getting through this or that everything will be ok, because it's not ok it's just living after a loss.

God Bless

More kids

I know many people thought I was crazy for having another baby so soon, and I can't say I blame them. This is one of those things where you don't know how you will react till it happens to you. I was one of those people that thought I would never want anymore children if I had a child pass away. I thought how could I, all I would do is worry about everything. How could I deal with the emotions again how could I put myself through that heart break of having another baby and have something possibly happen again. Well that's what's funny about God, he knows you better than you know yourself, since we were expecting before we could blink. Yep you heard me we were due that December. Now, I know what you are probably thinking and I'm sure people around us were thinking it too,"why would they want another baby? Are they trying to replace him?"
My mom said it best when she said,"I would be worried about you if you didn't want anymore" now she probably regrets that since we kept having them. Lol
To those of you who lost a child and are struggling with whether to have more children, it's definitely different for everyone. For us I think it helped our healing process. Not as a replacement but as a focus point. I think it would have been a lot different if it wasn't for having Tidus so soon. He was born before the year hit of Elias passing. I think it was also easier to get back to our daily lives because we had no choice, we had an older son.

I do remember while pregnant with Tidus thinking please God let them look alike but give them something distinctly different about them. God heard me that's for sure Tidus came out with a head full of brown hair that looked like a wig. Then came us having another baby march of 2011. At this point we were just getting used to the idea of having all boys and God once again throws us for a loop and we had a beautiful baby girl Francesca rose on 3/10/11. Once again she comes out with a head full of hair but she looks so much like Elias it melts my heart every time I look in her eyes.

The biggest bittersweet moment of my life was holding Tidus after he was born, because the only reason I got pregnant with Tidus is because I quit nursing when Elias passed away. It's a hard thing to deal with knowing you have one baby because you lost another, and not being able to imagine your life any other way. Its a indescribable feeling to wrap your head around, but it's ok to be happy. It's not taking anything thing away from your child you lost. I still miss and love Elias more than you can imagine but I refuse to let that stop me from living after losing him. I'm not replacing him. There is no way to replace Elias, I think he smiles down from heaven everyday seeing his 2 brothers and his beautiful sister and thinks I give great gifts. ;)



God Bless

The What If, just stay away from that!!

The worst thing you can do is sit and think about the "what if's". Don't get me wrong I have done this many times, but everytime I let myself go to that place I catch myself and ask myself one question. Do I really think I could have changed Gods will?? The answer is simple, of course not. Who do I think I am?
It took me a while to get to this point it definitely didn't happen over night. I had my angry, "what if" they didn't do the spinal tap or "what if" they would have removed the tumor that night instead of just releasing the pressure. You could go crazy with thinking about all the difference scenarios. Like they always say everything happens for a reason and God is always good. Yes, it can be so annoying hearing that from people that have no clue what you are going through, but just remember if any of those "what if's" would have happened your life could have ended up completely different. Who are we to say we know better than God does.
I have a favorite quote that I actually just found that really hit home.

“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be”
C.S Lewis

God bless